1. It can be hard to talk about love in scientific terms because people have strong pre-existing ideas about it.
The
vision of love that emerges from the latest science requires a radical
shift. I learned that I need to ask people to step back from their
current views of love long enough to consider it from a different
perspective: their body's perspective. Love is not romance. It's not
sexual desire. It's not even that special bond you feel with family or
significant others.
And
perhaps most challenging of all, love is neither lasting nor
unconditional. The radical shift we need to make is this: Love, as your
body experiences it, is a micro-moment of connection shared with
another.
2. Love is not exclusive.
We
tend to think of love in the same breath as loved ones. When you take
these to be only your innermost circle of family and friends, you
inadvertently and severely constrain your opportunities for health,
growth and well-being.
In
reality, you can experience micro-moments of connection with anyone --
whether your soul mate or a stranger. So long as you feel safe and can
forge the right kind of connection, the conditions for experiencing the
emotion of love are in place.
3. Love doesn't belong to one person.
We
tend to think of emotions as private events, confined to one person's
mind and skin. Upgrading our view of love defies this logic. Evidence
suggests that when you really "click" with someone else, a discernible
yet momentary synchrony emerges between the two of you, as your gestures
and biochemistries, even your respective neural firings, come to mirror
one another in a pattern I call positivity resonance. Love is a
biological wave of good feeling and mutual care that rolls through two
or more brains and bodies at once.
4. Making eye contact is a key gateway for love.
Your
body has the built-in ability to "catch" the emotions of those around
you, making your prospects for love -- defined as micro-moments of
positivity resonance -- nearly limitless. As hopeful as this sounds, I
also learned that you can thwart this natural ability if you don't make
eye contact with the other person. Meeting eyes is a key gatekeeper to
neural synchrony.
5. Love fortifies the connection between your brain and your heart, making you healthier.
Decades
of research show that people who are more socially connected live
longer and healthier lives. Yet precisely how social ties affect health
has remained one of the great mysteries of science.
My
research team and I recently learned that when we randomly assign one
group of people to learn ways to create more micro-moments of love in
daily live, we lastingly improve the function of the vagus nerve, a key
conduit that connects your brain to your heart. This discovery provides a
new window into how micro-moments of love serve as nutrients for your
health.
6. Your immune cells reflect your past experiences of love.
Too
often, you get the message that your future prospects hinge on your
DNA. Yet the ways that your genes get expressed at the cellular level
depends mightily on many factors, including whether you consider
yourself to be socially connected or chronically lonely.
My
team is now investigating the cellular effects of love, testing whether
people who build more micro-moments of love in daily life also build
healthier immune cells.
7. Small emotional moments can have disproportionately large biological effects.
It
can seem surprising that an experience that lasts just a micro-moment
can have any lasting effect on your health and longevity. Yet I learned
that there's an important feedback loop at work here, an upward spiral
between your social and your physical well-being.
That
is, your micro-moments of love not only make you healthier, but being
healthier builds your capacity for love. Little by little, love begets
love by improving your health. And health begets health by improving
your capacity for love.
8. Don't take a loving marriage for granted.
Writing
this book has profoundly changed my personal view of love. I used to
uphold love as that constant, steady force that all but defines my
marriage. While that constant, steady force still exists, I now see our
bond as a product of the many micro-moments of positivity resonance that
my husband and I have shared over the years. This shakes me out of any
complacency that tempts me to take our love for granted. Love is
something we should re-cultivate every single day.
9. Love and compassion can be one and the same.
If
we reimagine love as micro-moments of shared positivity, it can seem
like love requires that you always feel happy. I learned that this isn't
true. You can experience a micro-moment of love even as you or the
person with whom you connect suffers.
Love
doesn't require that you ignore or suppress negativity. It simply
requires that some element of kindness, empathy or appreciation be added
to the mix. Compassion is the form love takes when suffering occurs.
10. Simply upgrading your view of love changes your capacity for it.
The
latest science offers new lenses through which to see your every
interaction. The people I interviewed for the book shared incredibly
moving stories about how they used micro-moments of connection to make
dramatic turnarounds in their personal and work lives.
One
of the most hopeful things I learned is that when people take just a
minute or so each day to think about whether they felt connected and
attuned to others, they initiate a cascade of benefits. And this is
something you could start doing today, having learned even just this
much more about how love works.
Chapisha Maoni
yes